Resolve Like a Boss: The Spiritual Approach to Handling Conflict

Conflicts. Disagreements. Disputes. Call them what you want, difficult situations between individuals happen. Whether it be from miscommunication or lack of, passing judgement, unintentional actions that hurt someone or one feeling as if they are simply just not being heard, disagreements occur but they don't always have to be the end of connections and relationships between the people involved.  Conflicts arise for many reasons, but when resolved they can lead to breakthroughs, growth and even stronger bonds when two people are willing to hear one another out and come to a common ground. Getting to that point, however, is the challenge. It's easy to argue, go head to head and even hold a grudge against people we are in dispute with. It is not easy to open up, hear our opponent out and come to a compromise to satisfy both parties involved. I personally have found it easiest to do this when I approach the situation calmly and early on before it has time to fester. Let me explain...

We can never control the person we are at odds with - we can't control their words or their reactions. We can control ours. How we respond, react and approach a situation depends solely on ourselves. When I am at odds with my loved ones, I take how I feel extremely seriously. Sometimes, maybe too much. To avoid calling myself crazy and hot tempered, I'll use the word passionate. I am very passionate about how I feel and why. I, like most people, want to be considered and I want my voice to be heard. Who doesn't?! My younger self used to just let by gones be my gones, stop talking to the person I felt wronged by and carry on only for the issue to come up again and in an even worse manner. Not only is that unhealthy, it's also draining and tiring. That is how one ends up carrying weight for years and years and after some time one can't even remember what they were upset about in the first place. All they know is, something happened back in whatever year that ticked them off and they no longer deal with so and so. I had to stop. I had to stop cutting ties and carrying around dead weight. Now, if the other person decides to walk away from a friendship/relationship, that is their decision (different post, different day lol). I am no expert and I am still working on voicing myself in a way that is non confrontational to allow room for communication, understanding and true resolve. When I have a hard time doing this, I refer to my favorite verses in the Bible to encourage me to take a better approach. Now, I don't want to get preachy, but I do want to share what has helped me!

Not only is it unhealthy, it's also draining and tiring.

Here are a few of the scriptures that help me in matters of conflict. Check them out!

1. Proverbs 15:18: "A hot tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel."
This is the first scripture I always go to when I am in my feelings and need to resolve a matter with a friend or loved one. Often times, I am the hot tempered one (guilty). It isn't always in an argumentative way, but when I get going in expressing myself, I can get loud, speak with my hands and come off in a way that can make someone very defensive to the point where they no longer hear what I am saying because they are trying to defend themselves from the way I am coming off. Going about resolving matters in that way leads to two people going head to head, no longer hearing what the other person is saying, and unresolved issues because arguing is extremely tiring and draining. It can also lead to the other person shutting down completely and tuning you out, which can make someone even more upset. I get my point across a lot better when I am patient with myself, gather my thoughts and approach the situation calmly from a less defensive standpoint. This word also reminds me to be the patient one when the other person is more hot tempered than I am. By being patient and calm, the other person can feel comfortable to be calm as well. Patience is the key. While I am still learning to do these things, it helps to have a friendly reminder of why it is important.

2. Matthew 5:25: "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison."
This is probably my favorite scripture to reference when I am upset and in my feelings. I can't speak for anyone else, but it is extremely hard for me to have "the talk" when I have to tell someone they hurt my feelings or offended me in a way; even having to ask someone what is wrong/bothering them can give me a bit of anxiety because I never know what to expect. Addressing it early is always better than putting it off and allowing tension to build. That is what this word reminds me. When you allow conflict to settle without working it out, you plant seeds that grow and are hard to dig up when the time finally comes.

3. Proverbs 12:18: "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
This word is great for encouraging one to be the bigger person and be mindful of the words we speak when in a disagreement. It is so easy to get lost and caught up in the moment and say things we do not mean out of spite and anger. It is extremely hard to come back from harsh words - when we say things we do not mean, we can apologize a million times and a million different ways, however, once hurtful words are said they cannot be taken back. It is important for the sake of truly resolving a matter to think before we speak, speak with a purpose and allow others to speak as well. You cannot understand one another if you are spewing hurtful words and constantly on defense mode.

Disagreements happen. We can easily become offended by the ones closest to us. No matter what the conflict may entail, it does not always have to mean the end of a friendship or relationship. If two people are willing to meet one another half way and grow from the matter, it can actually bring them closer. On the flip side, KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS. Especially in an intimate relationship. If the conflict involves physical or emotional pain or damage, know when to save yourself and walk away. Remember - forgiving someone and resolving a conflict does not have to mean you want them back into your life. It can simply mean that you are healing and are ready to move on from the situation and person.

How do you handle conflicts with loved ones? Comment and share below! We are all a work in progress GROWING and GLOWING together!